::grief, anger and living life today
1:50 p.m. - 2004-08-19
If I have to admit that the rest of them are all clinically insane - actually, really nuts - then I'd have to admit the fact that I might be too. And I'm just not.
My mother has been driving me absolutely crazy lately. She called me on Monday night to tell me that she might be eligible for SSI (which is a very, very good thing) and that she really hoped that she would be approved for it, because that way she "wouldn't have to worry about being coherent." What? What is the problem with being coherent? Fuck me if I know, really. She called me again the next night and I said something to her about that. She said that she was only kidding, and that what she really meant was that she wouldn't have to worry when her doctors adjusted her psych medicines because she wouldn't be at a job where it would be hard to concentrate. She added, "Besides. I like being out of it. What old hippy doesn't want to be high all of the time?"
Well, that's fine, I guess. I don't know. The situation really frustrates me because she is a completely different person than she used to be. She nothing like the Mom that I remember when I was younger. I know I've been through all of this before, but she used to be a hip, creative, exciting, life-loving, artistic and conversation-rich creature. Now she's at home, overweight, has diabates and lives in a cluttered and dirty house that she doesn't even have enough determination to clean.
She called me today at work and started asking me questions like "How are you feeling?" Well, I'm fine. Probably irriated about some things in my life and happy about others (like the fact that I finally got the part for the Falcon's steering column in the mail today and I think that I finally may have found a wheel that will work for my car). But when she askes me that, there is always something bothering her. I asked her what it was and she told me that I've been very short with her lately (which is true). I haven't wanted to talk to her because I really don't know how to say "It frustrates me that you are letting your life go to hell!" I told her that I was at work and that I did want to talk to her about it, but that it would be better if I called her tonight. Well, she pressed the point, so I tried to find a good way to tell her how I felt. Well, she cried and told me that I had no right to tell her how to live her life (and she's right) and that she is happy living the way she is.
I don't believe that, and I told her so. I told her that I wanted to know what her opinions were, not to hear what her husband was standing behind her telling her what to say (I could hear him). I think I said a lot of things that were hurtful, and I didn't mean to be hurtful - it's only that the entire situation makes me so very furious! I can't understand how she can resign herself to a miserable existance - when 15 years ago she would have been chomping at the bit to change it. She tells me that she's older now and she has accepted lots of things in her life that she can't change. But she's only 51.
Oh, shit. I said a lot of things and she said a lot of things. Does it matter? The point is that it irritates me hugely and she doesn't understand why, and all in all, it's not really my business anyway, so forget it.
What bothers me the most is that she doesn't seem to care much about living or dying one way or the other. I've been trying to figure out jusyt why this pisses me off so much, and in light of all of the people around me who are mourning death of Eric from the 500 with varying states of extreme anger, I wonder if maybe, somehow, I'm going through an extended period of grief for my mother - perhaps for the person that she used to be. Maybe that's why I'm so angry.
