::Pep Talking a Soprano into her own space
4:30 p.m. - 2004-09-03
I was feeling pretty good earlier today and I wasn't going to write an entry. But a whole day of answering the phone has made me tense and annoyed again, and so I figured I'd come over here and bitch.
I CAN NOT WAIT for W to come back to work on Tuesday. I'll be so glad not to have to answer the moronic phone anymore. I had no idea how her survives up here - I am ready to go postal and shoot everyone who walks through the door!
I took yesterday off. I needed it immensely. I called in sick and went back to bed - I slept in until 11 and then boxed in my own garage (that's so great - what a way to get your exercise) and then I took a nice long shower and then practiced all afternoon. I had a meeting/audition for a church job in San Francisco, and it turns out that the music director was the fellow who played the piano for me years ago in my Vaudeville show. What a small world... :) He was very nice, and what a trip! I don't think that I'm going to sing with his church, though. It's smaaaaaall and no very formal, and while I'd be paid a little bit, they don't even really have a chapel and I don't think it would serve me much to sing with them. I have an audition for what seems to be a much better church job in Woodside, down teh pennisula. I talked to the director today and he wants someone who can sing with straight tone and blend well in ensembles, and who is familliar with early music. I've got the perfect background, that's for sure. But I'm already nervous about this thing. He said that he wanted to hear something sustained (I assume to hear what the straight tone sounds like), but I don't really have anything like that. I considered trying to put together the "Et Incarnatus Est" from the Mozart C Minor, but upon reconsideration, I think that I may just present him with what I've got worked up and not try and learn something last minute and subsequently fuck it up. I think he'll hear what I can do well enough with the Handel, and if he insists, I'll tell him that I can sing a portion of the Oui Tollis from the C Minor, even though it's a quartet - he'll get the idea.
There is a new volume II of the Shirmer Arias for Soprano anthology, I found out today. Useful to know, too, as it prevented me from having to buy the vocal score from Werther for one aria!
I'm already nervous about this idiot audition for the church choir gig. What the fuck is upe with this nervousness? I need to calm down and get a grip on myself. I know I can do this and I would be very good for the job - all I need to do is have a little bit more confidence in myself. It's so funny to hear myself saying that! I always thought I had plenty of confidence. You know what it was, though? It was spending all this energy and emotion to try and convince my family and my ex-husband that I was indeed good enough. It was unhealthy in it's own way. But now that I'm not spinning like a whirrling dervish trying to convince everyone else, the doubt that I was fiercely denying (but which was stil there) is now surfacing on it's own. The thing is, I don't have anyone that I have to fight to convince anymore. I am an adult, and my family are becoming detached from me in many ways. My husband now, SW, is not only completely supportive, but he also knows that I am talented and tells me frequently - and encourages me when I feel down. There isn't anyone left to convince, except me. :)
The thing is, I know that I am talented and I know that I can do this. I get tired, and sidetracked, and overworked, and overwhelmed, and then I lose focus. But I love creating music as much as I love SW - both the most that any creature could ever love anything that exists. I am blessed, and lucky, and I have nothing to be ashamed about. I have no reason to doubt myself!
So, off to get some good rest and some good practicing done; to get some headshots taken, and to sing one hell of a Handel aria and to blow the socks off of Mr. Stuffypants down in Woodside and make him anxious to have me sing in his church and get paid $100 a week.
Ciao!
