::@@@@@@
10:36 a.m. - 2004-10-20
Okay, here comes a big one!
I feel like crap! I am fat, exhausted, and my clothes don't fit. I feel like I am constantly running from one thing to another and never really getting anything accomplished. My house is a wreck. I am behind in everything. I keep singing, but even finding time to practice seems difficult, and when I do practice only one out of 5 times do I get anything done besides just frustrating myself. My throat is tired and my singing isn't cutting it, and I can't seem to get anyone to throw me a bone in the music world.
I feel utterly overwhelmed.
And I am irritated. I think my last post was pathetic. Honestly, sometimes I don't believe in myself because I am so disgusted with myself. It's a viscious cycle, I'm sure. I'm reading that book and the "positive-self-talk" is a good idea and definately got me back on track when I was singing for Merola and saw my concentration was starting to slip, but I need to really improve the things that need improving and not just sit and tell myself how good I am when things are not where I want them to be. On the other hand, though, I think that there **are** things that are good, and I don't completly suck. But why in hell can't I get a gig?
I don't want to be mediocre. I'm afraid that if I don't practice enough and I don't try hard enough I will be, though. I just feel like there is NO TIME! for anything! I go to work and by the time I get home at 6, most nights I could go to bed right then! I want to work out and get into better shape, and I have a hunch that I would feel better if I did, too, but it seems like the time just flies by and I can never accomplish anything! It really makes me insane! How in the fuck am I ever going to make anything of myself?
It's like this. I get home and the dishes from last night's dinner are piled, the house is messy because I am so tired when I get home that putting away laundry is beyond me. I could wash the dishes, but by the time I did that and made dinner and ate, it would be 8 o clock and then I'm almost too exhausted to practice.
So, I get myself on these little kicks where I'll plan every 10 minutes out - and then I am soooooo stressed becuase I get behind schedule and I'm not accomplishing what I want to in a practice session, and then my voice feels tight and I feel angry and it's all pointless. Or I'm driving to a piano session to prepare for a YAP audition and trying to warm up in the car and paying attention to traffic and getting stressed because the pianist is expensive and not really quite doing what I want and what's the point since all I ever seem to do is make a fool of myself in these stupid fucking auditions anyway?
And then I wake up in the morning, like this morning, and I feel like I can't breathe. And even now, at 10:30, my chest still feels tight. Finally I break down and use the albuterol inhaler and it helps somewhat. At least my lungs don't hurt when I breathe in.
But I feel like I want to cry.
I think I need a vacation. Maybe I should just take one. Of course, the vacation would just be me at home cleaning the house and trying to practice and spinning myself in circles.
I need to get out of this self-detrimental cycle. I think the book would help if I could just find time to read it.
