::diabetes
9:57 a.m. - 2004-04-29
I think I have finally managed to regain my composure enough to write something here without falling into another crying spell.
I am sick about what is going on with my mother. I called when I got home last night and she had just talked to the doctor. She was terrified, and sounded different that she has in a long time - it was like something had finally gotten through to her. It has been frustrating for me with all of the illnesses that my mother has battled, because she never really seems to understand exactly how or why she is sick, and she can't seem to get a straight answer out of her doctors. Either that, or she simply doesn't understand what they are telling her. So she can't explain it to me, she doesn't understand it herself, and her husband dosen't even make an effort to try and understand or help her. I am really beginning to fucking hate that man. From what I was able to understand, not only does my mother have diabetes, but she has it very severely. She told me that her blood-glucose level (I don't know what the actual term is, but I think it's something like that) was 600 and normal is somewhere like 120. I don't understand quite how that works, but that seems almost impossible - I think it's a miracle that she's still walking.
Anyway, as I was talking to her and trying to help her calm down (she had a great attitude about it; she kept saying, "I can do this") her husband Hank is muttering and bitching in the background. I hear him say, "Great, I might as well rob a fucking bank." This is fucked! He is complaining about how much it's going to cost when my mother is nearly ready to die from fright! I told her to put him on the phone. Now what I said to him may or may not be appropriate and respectful, but I am sick to death of his apathy and asshole attitude. Despite all of this, I was very polite. (It's important to understand that half of what Hank says is incomprhensible; he speaks in some sort of weird code in which he is continually making references to nothing that anyone has ever heard of. I almost never understand his jokes or really half of what he is saying at all.) This was the conversation:
Me: "Hey there, Grumpy, how's it going?"
Him: "I'm telling you man, not good - it's all the communists fault!" (He is not insane, as it would appear. He's just making a joke that no one on Earth save him will ever understand)
Me: "Listen, I need you to do me a favor. Okay?
Him: "Okay, what's up."
Me: "Okay, listen. I understand that today has been one hell of a day. I know that you've had just about everything thrown at you that could be today. And I understand that your financial situation isn't fantastic. I really do, believe me! And I'm sure that your freaked about it all. Hell, I certainly would be! But I need you to please do this for me. Mom is really scared right now. This sickness is a really serious thing, and she needs to take it seriously, and she's going to need your help to get through it. She needs to focus all of her energy on the lifestyle changes she needs to make in order to do this. And I know that she can do it, and it is totally treatable. But she doesn't need to get more scared. If you are running around the house talking about how you don't have any money, and how everything is fucked, it's just going to scare her more and make it harder for her to do focus on what she needs to right now, and that is getting better. So will you please, please just do me a favor and not scare her anymore? Can you just be cool? Please, for me?
Him: "Well, I guess I can just give myself an ulcer."
Me: "Please, I just need you to be cool about everything. Please, do this for me."
He then muttered some kind of agreement. I changed the subject and started to talk to him about old cars, which calmed him down.
I then talked to my mother again. I told her that I love her, and that this is almost good news, because now we know what was making her so sick, and that it is totally treatable and I really believe that everyhing is going to work out for the best - and that I know that she can do it, and that I am going to help her.
I really do believe that we can do this. And I am going to help her. :)
After this, I talked to my sister. She was really obnoxious about thw whole thing. She wanted to know what was going on with Mom, and I expalined that I want to help them, that I think that they need a lot of things, from money to decent food to eat, and my sister agreed that they need to try to apply for welfare or food stamps or disability, or something. But then, in a nutshell, she said that Hank is an asshole and that he'll never do any of that because it's too much hassle, and there is always a reason that it won't work, and that basically I'm wasting my time and I might as well not bother.
Which makes me fucking furious.
I might as well not bother and just let my mother die of diabetic shock?
WTF!?!?!
I can't believe that she called me earlier this week freaking out that she had dreamed that Mom died out of the blue, and then my mother is diagnosed with a very serious life threatening illness, and she doens't give a fuck about it? She doesn't want to do something about it? Jesus!
She even went so far as to say that I'm an idealist and a dreamer and that she just doens't think about things the same way I do, because there's no sense in getting your hopes up.
Fine. Whatever, fine. If you want to just sit back and watch her get sicker and sicker, fine. I refuse. I can do something about this, and I am going to. Even if I have to make an appointment with a diabetic counselor and go with my mom so that we can both understand her dietary needs and restrictions, I'll take the day off of work and go with her. If I have to print out all the assistance forms and help her to fill them out, I'm going to do that. If I have to stand over Hank and make him sign the paperwork, I will.
All my mom needs is to change some of the food that she eats and walk around the block every night - and maybe fill out some papers so she can get a little bit of extra money to help things along - that's no big fucking deal! I am totally capable of that and I intend to do it. I will not sit by and watch this happen.
My sister then went into this whole story about how she is trying to re-finance her house so that her payments will be lower and she can put $200 a month into an IRA so that she'll have half a million dollars saved by the time she is 50.
Sometimes I really cannot believe how self-centered and clueless people can be.
Holy God, please help me.
This morning wasn't a lot better. I was okay until I started answering the phone and got flustered looking for a phone number for someone, and freaked out and burst into tears. It just all overwhelmed me and I couldn't handle it. My boss then banished me to my office because we're having a big combined staff meeting and she didn't want me greeting everyone with a red crying face. Which made me cry even harder.
But I'm calmer now.
