::family
9:07 a.m. - 2004-04-30
My family makes me tired and depressed.
Last night I was even arguing with SW, really about nothing - his job gave us a gift certificate for $500 and we were trying to decide if we should have drapes or a duvet cover made. Really, an idiotic thing to argue about. My sister called me about 10pm last night to tell me about how happy she was that the Sacramento Kings won some basketball game (I don't follow pro-Basketball because I think it is a joke, but I'll go into that some other time). I told her that I didn't think it was such a good idea for her to come and visit me this weekend as we had planned. She comes to visit me when she wants to see a band or show in San Francisco, and then she'll leave her dog at my house and crash here when the show is over instead of driving all the way back to Sacramento. This time she was also bringing along an old friend of hers from high school that she's known forever and been on and off with.
I normally don't mind that she comes over and stays for a weekend. I don't mind that she comes in like a windstorm with a barking shouting leaping dog and a frenzy of this that and the other. I don't mind that she crashes on the couch and that she comes back at 4 in the morning. I don't even mind that she exhausts me with her presence and the constant shouting and urging of her dog to "jump! "speak!" I even like her dog. I usually like my sister too. But I just couldn't handle it this time.
I feel guilty about telling her and her friend not to come, because I never like to upset people; especially my family. But I am really so hurt and angry about the way that she handled the situation with my mother that it has been making me sick to my stomach, and I was dreading having to spend the weekend looking at her. SW told me that he was thinking of just calling her himself and asking her not to come, but he didn't want her to have a reason to start talking shit about us to everyone else, so he decided against it.
I feel - strange. Weak, almost. I'm so tired and depressed about this entire situation that I've feet close to tears most of the morning. I don't care about telling other people in my life to fuck off, but my family is a really different and seperate thigs. I am very loyal to blood relations. I don't think that there is a whole lot out there that is more important that your family. Many people don't understand this when I explain it to them - so many people hate and blame their parents for all of the problems in their own lives. I don't take stock in that and I don't believe it. I know that no one person is perfect, but I believe that (1) my parents really did the best job that they could have under the circumstances, and (2) blaming someone else for problems that you have in your own life is an excuse and a cop-out. I believe that we all have the ultimate power to change our own lives, and that we can do and feel any way we want. It's not hard to live life honorably in this way. Sure, maybe you don't have quite as much money as you want or you want to lose weight, or you don't like your job - these are all things that we have the power to change. I believe that life is an incredible experiance that nothing else can compare to, and I believe in living it to the fullest. A part of that, for me, though, is respecting where I came from and sticking together with my family which should be the most important people in my life.
So, hence, it bothers me to tell my sister to fuck off. I'm not telling her to fuck off forever. I'm just pissed and shocked that she can be such an insensitive bitch and I don't want to deal with her this weekend. Unlike her, I tend to forgive people really quickly and I'll probably feel fine about it on Monday. But right now it just makes me want to cry that she is selfish and hurtful.
I was thinking about my relationship with my sister last night. I was thinking about what our relationship has been since we were little girls. I was the older sister, but she was the popular and cool one at school. She hated me - I was exccentric and unique and didn't bother to follow the current trends just because they were trends. I was probably a dork. I knew what I liked, though, even then. But all my life she has been ready witha quip or a hurtful remark, and as I've gotten older I don't even notice that she does this anymore. Her words used to hurt me, but as we've grown I've hardly even listen to them anymore. But they are still there. An example: last week it was hot and beautiful in San Francisco and I decided that it would be a yummy thing to try and make Pina Coladas at home. I talked to my sister and she told me that I shouldn't drink them because they are full of fat and if I'm worried about losing weight I'd be really stupid to make them. There I was, explaining and defending myself for drinking a Pina Colada that I "only had one!" This is idiotic. I'm an adult for Christ's sake - I can drink a damned Pina Colada if I want to.
I don't want to continue to fight with her, but I think I need to start being aware of the behavior patterns I share with her, so I don't spend the rest of my life apologizing and being made to feel inferior to her. You know, if she weren't my sister, I don't think I would like her at all.
When she called last night, I just said that I didn't think that she should come over this weekend because I was really concerned about Mom and I didn't think that I would be much fun. I told her that I didn't want to talk about it then but if she wanted to talk to me about it she could call me in the morning at work.
She called me but I couldn't answer the phone because I am at the front desk again. I called her back and told her that - and then I asked her what was up and why she had called. She said that she wanted to know wht I had freaked out last night about her visiting. I told her that I didn't freak out; it was just that I was very upset about Mom and that what she had said had made me very upset and I didn't think it would be a good idea if we hung out this weekend. I just needed some time to cool off. She said "Fine." I told her that I was more than happy to discuss it further if she wanted to - she said that there wasn't anything to discuss; If I'm mad at her, I'm mad at her. And then she hung up.
Sigh.
